Fic post: Inside Straight

[devilshole.livejournal.com]

This is just a sort of PWP (only without porn, sadly) I've finally finished. It's gen, about 7,000 words, in two (linked) parts on my LJ. There's not much to it, but comments, including criticism (seriously; I'm a grown up and you can be honest), are genuinely welcome.
Inside Straight

Comments

[kassidy62.livejournal.com]

Morning! I read your story and wanted you to know how happy I was to see it here at the comm - I think this place is our best chance to keep both gen and slash fans of the show happy.

I also know you like serious crit. I don't have a lot for the story and what I have I prefer to call "opinion," but I'll be back here this weekend to tell you what I've got, or I can send it via email, whichever you like.

Also re: our last conversation - it's never too late to respond to the challenges and I'd love to see a short story from you or a snippet, whatever you feel like writing, for the Pilot. And as far as the slash idea, I could squee at you but I won't, I'm all growed up and don't use such words as squee.

[devilshole.livejournal.com]

Feel free to post the crit at my LJ or here at this one, whichever works for you (and depending on whether you want to encourage discussion of the craft here at this comm). I love discussing the nuts and bolts of the writing process - and whatever I did wrong (I know that's a loaded and subjective word, but you know what I mean - whatever didn't work for you in this story) might benefit some other writer, too, if it's discussed openly.:)

The slash story's absorbed my thoughts of late. I hope I can finish it soon (it still feels weird to me to put these two in that sort of place).
Thanks for reading and commenting.

[kassidy62.livejournal.com]

Sorry I'm late - I got involved in a project over the weekend:)

I'm just going to post this like notes, if that's okay - opinions, notations, and the like.

I think dialect can be difficult. You can put it down on paper exactly as they speak it, but somehow it is easy to interpret the speaker as being more countrified or uneducated than they actually sound - maybe because when you read it as opposed to listening to it, you're going to notice more? Having said that, I think your dialect worked very well - I was surprised, to tell the truth. There was one place where I thought Kid sounded a little dumber than I think he sounds, but I don't know why - have an idea it's the combination of what and how he said it, maybe:
“Anyway, when we got t’ the crossroads, just outside Sulphur, Heyes stopped. He’d been kinda quiet all the way once we left Cooper, but I didn’t think anything about it. So just out of the clear blue sky he says: Kid, I been thinkin’.”

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Normally, Lom knew, he would have been more cautious, watchful;, but normal was not a word that applied to his situation or state of mind.
--I think a comma instead of semicolon here would work better

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I think the apostrophe was left off in 'ain't' here: I put the sheriff off so’s I could find you, but he ain’t gonna wait forever. - which of course is such a minor thing, but it caught my eye at the moment - thought you might want to look

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lines I love:

Trevors saw the Kid had a helluva bruise darkening his jaw and murder darkening his eyes.

He looked at me – you know that dumb mule-headed look he gets, like a kid with a sucker he don’t wanna share, so you know there’s no arguin’ with him?”

“Then I laid a false trail toward Diamondville, knowing he’d head into Sulphur, get a horse, and come after me, ready to pound the hell outta me by way of politely asking me if I’d lost my mind.”

Heyes scowled at him, apparently genuinely puzzled. “Anyone coulda done that.”

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note about Lom's character in this story: he's so involved in this rescue and from the show I had an idea he was willing to help the boys if they obeyed the law but only because they pressed him and because he felt some unwilling obligation

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“He tell you why he did all that...back at the crossroads?”
---it'd work just as well without the ...

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There's not a single thing in the world wrong with using semi-colons the way you have, but I personally think they can be utilized a little less in the story - they almost get distracting to me (though that could very well just be a personal preference of mine)

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He stepped away from the bars, trying to catch Curry’s eye for a final, glance of meaning, but Curry was staring at the patch of daylight outside the narrow barred window, and didn’t turn around again. --- I'm thinking "meaningful glance" would be less awkward

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Following, Lom froze when Curry did, but before he could blink the Kid’s sixgun was in his hand and he’d fired ---- here I think he/his is a little unclear

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Heyes inhaled deeply. “If not?” ----sounds a little odd?

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“Anyway, he wasn’t that good a shot.” Heyes’ attempt at levity failed.
“I don’t need you to protect me from my own brother.” ---I think I'd move the 'heyes' attempt...' line down, make it a divider between Heyes' attempt at humor and Kid's anger.

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I enjoyed this so much. Heyes' plotting HAS to be elaborate or it wouldn't be a gen-u-wine Heyes plot. The Kid, his reactions when someone even *threatens* to threaten Heyes - that hits me where I live. Wonderful PWP without porn:) Thanks for letting us read it.

[devilshole.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the thoughtful comments!

The dialect thing - that's a tough one, man. Maybe others don't find it so, but for me, it really is a fine line between how they really talk on the show and, as you indicate, how it makes them seem in print. I actually try to not do too much of it, for the very reason you state - it ends up looking a little worse in print. I've read (in one writing advice book) that it's best to use dialect a little at the start, then drop it, trusting that the reader will keep hearing it in their minds. I'm not really sure (I'd think the reader would go "Why's he talking differently all of a sudden?")... but it's one of those things where I have a hard time knowing when enough becomes too much. :)

And I'm a definite sucker for the semicolon. :-) I do think it's a personal preference (assuming correct usage, of course - we do have those grammatical grey areas where either is OK), but it's also true that when punctuation starts to call attention to itself, there's a problem. It's scary to note that I've actually cut down my semicolon use since college - my professors said the same thing - "Well, it's correct, but it kind of sticks out. :-) And you're dead on that, in that spot, a comma would be right. I don't know what the hell I was thinking there.

You definitely hit on a couple of spots where I could sense my flow was not flowing - damn you thank you for confirming that, yeah, I got some awkward construction going on in those spots.

As for Lom - yeah, I would agree with you that he's more inclined, in canon, to sort of wash his hands of these two, but I sorta like him, so I guess I did soften him up a bit.

I very much appreciate you taking the time to do such a thoughtful critique. Man, it always helps!

[kassidy62.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you found what I said helpful even if I am oh so damnable;)

I'm thinking about that thing you read about dialect. It might actually work because it's as if the reader is prompted at the beginning until the voice in their head matches as they read. But my first reaction to that ploy is it BUGS me, the inconsistency.

I'm just sayin'.

I think dialog is a challenge and you can't underestimate the skill it takes to do it well. I usually don't attempt it (beyond dropping g's at the end of a word, maybe).

About Lom: if that's what you to do with him, that's what you wanted to do, right? I know in my fan fiction, I generally will push the envelope or add facets to a character if I think it makes sense or serves the story - I have to be able to justify it for myself, but I love the freedom in doing so.

Of course someone got quite perturbed at me for screwing around with canon, too - something that shouldn't have surprised me in the least if I'd spared half a thought for it.

[devilshole.livejournal.com]

I'm thinking about that thing you read about dialect. It might actually work because it's as if the reader is prompted at the beginning until the voice in their head matches as they read. But my first reaction to that ploy is it BUGS me, the inconsistency.

I'm just sayin'.


See, that's the thing. Part of me goes, it'd work, and part of me goes, but if you notice it, you'd be annoyed by it - so, like anything, it's great when it works, but it won't always work, and when it doesn't, it draws that unwelcome attention to itself. I suppose my own theory - which I try to practice, but don't always manage - is to suggest the dialect with as few weird spellings as possible to still get the feel. It's not the most solid theory - it's case by case, character by character, and dialogue line by dialogue line - but it makes the most sense to me. :)

And as for screwing with canon, well, as a slasher, clearly I defend it *g*, if it's done with consideration for the characters and setting. There are persuasive ways to diverge from canon, and debatable ways, and outrageous ways (like, oh, you know, Heyes and Curry becoming prima ballerinas. Just ... no).

[kassidy62.livejournal.com]

And as for screwing with canon, well, as a slasher, clearly I defend it *g*, if it's done with consideration for the characters and setting. There are persuasive ways to diverge from canon, and debatable ways, and outrageous ways (like, oh, you know, Heyes and Curry becoming prima ballerinas. Just ... no).

I agree with that, but in the S&H fandom I have the strong impression that the slashers don't consider slash as parting from canon. However, if Hutch dresses to the left and you put that thang to the right, you're in trouble. And it's also somewhat stifling, though when I say that I don't mean that I let it change what I want to write, because if I don't write it my way I just don't write it.

I like how you said you do dialect (think I called it dialog mistakenly in the earlier post, but whatever) - going case by case, on instinct, what feels right as you write it. Writing is a whole lot about instinct if you ask me - what makes the most sense in terms of good story has so many variables.

Parting from canon: I think you have to dissect and support what you're doing with plot and character. Persuade me of your take - I love it. I especially admire a story that I would never have imagined or thought I could swallow and yet have it go down painlessly.

I like that description of how diverging from canon can be done: persuasive divergence, debatable, and and uh, untenable:)

What do you mean no prima ballerinas? Curry in a tutu, doesn't that do anything for you??

[devilshole.livejournal.com]

Ack! No tutus! Not that he doesn't have gorgeous tennis player's legs, but ... no. Now, Curry in nothing but ripped up jeans ... that does something for me. :-)

Persuade me of your take
And that's the thing - a good writer (and by definition that's someone who takes what's there, starts from a strong and clear canon basis, and then builds plausibly from that, and the more she departs from canon, the more careful she is to build the foundation and the structure of her departure) can convince us of a take on a character that, as you say, we'd never have thought of, and make us go "Hm. Yeah, I can see it."

The thing is, although for genius writers writing may be instinct, I think what looks like instinct for a lot of us is years of practice and paying close attention to what works and what doesn't. It can seem like instinct, because it is very much a feel sort of thing (for every hard and fast rule there's an exception *g*), but it's writing what seems to work best based on a lot of years of paying attention to what works and why (at least for me - I shouldn't presume that other writers all work that way!).

(As for S&H ... well, hell, slash is damn' near canon *g* I love that. But I'm not one of those who says "Look, they hugged - that means they're having sex." For all the love they clearly feel in canon, slash is definitely a divergence from canon, not canon)